why did i wait so long?
by charlotte
I left my abusive ex 3 months ago after being together for 12 years. Funny enough when I decided to leave it was over something which was nothing (well not to me anymore) compared to what he had done to me in the past.
I will start from the start.
I have known my ex for all of my life really I think we met when I was five, he was my first kiss (awe - vomit). Then after a few years of flirting we finally got it together when I was 21. It was all I had ever wanted. I really loved him. Our relationship was great, we were best friends, and I could tell him anything.
One day we were play fighting in his mother’s front room. I was covering my face and laughing. Then when I looked up he and his brother were arguing and I was slightly confused! His brother looked at me and said, "you didn’t see his face just then, I did he looked evil and was going to hit you." I laughed it off and said we were playing, but his brother was adamant, "no, he wasn’t", he repeated. I forgot about it. Shortly after, at our new flat that we had rented, we got into an argument and he pushed me into the door frame. I remember vividly that he did it on purpose, but he immediately denied it saying how sorry he was. I accepted that it was an accident. The first time, I allowed it to happen. After that time nearly every time we had an argument he would push me, but mostly he would strangle me because he knew how much I hated it. Once he even threw me through a friend wooden coffee table. Another time, he head butted me. A policeman saw me and knew he had done it. He even said to me, "One day you will leave him, do yourself a favor make it sooner rather than later, you will only regret it later, and they never change." Those words have gone round and round my head many times. I learnt over time how to react to him strangling me, not to struggle and to shut up, or he would make it last longer. I hated that!
I left him three times before this time. The first time he beat me up all night at his mum’s house. It was bad! I was twenty three. I went to my sisters in the morning and told her all about it. It was the first time I had ever told anyone about what he did to me. I stayed away for a couple of weeks, but I went back. Why? Because I loved him, and I thought he would change. I wanted him to change.
He did change for a while, then I fell pregnant. He went mad on me a few times during my pregnancy. When my son was 2 months old he had a real rage. He swung me all over our new home, repeatedly strangled me, hit me with things, and punched me in the face while I fed my son. He said that I showed him up when his friend was round. He was drunk. The next day my mum came round (a visit that wasn’t planned) with my sister. My sister saw the marks on my face and neck. She said, “it’s up to you ...”, I left. I moved on and stayed away for 10 months, but I truly was miserable without him. I felt like it was forced as I still loved him. I secretly phoned him and managed to sort it out, he came and moved in with me at my new place. My family wasn’t happy but they accepted my wishes.
We had another child and all was good for 4 years (mind you for 18 months he was in prison for violence) unless you count him strangling me during arguments, a few hair pulling episodes, slaps and spitting at me. This was not a daily occurrence, but
it was quite regular. Then a huge row of abuse happened after a friend’s wedding where we both got drunk. He erupted stamping on my face, kicking me, biting me, and strangling me. The police came after a 3 hour attack. I pressed charges. He broke my rib, blackened both of my eyes, and hurt me both inside and out. But he was sorry. He loved me and like an idiot after 3 months I took him back and restarted my life ... again! Low and behold nothing much changed. I was dreadfully unhappy. He never changed, but I did. I changed! He spent all those years, 12 years to be exact, so busy controlling me. I spent all that time getting to know him, loving him. It hurt, but I had to be honest with myself, he never loved me, he was incapable of it. The love I had for him left me, and I wanted out!
In May of this year it was my sister’s birthday. She invited me out for girly drinks. I went and it was fun. Unfortunately, (or even fortunately) I got into an argument with a girl in a pub. When I went home he was furious. He demanded to know what had happened over and over. He was convinced I was lying to him. This continuous questioning went on for 5 days, I was sick of it!
On the 6th morning at 6 o clock in the morning, I awoke to him lying on top of me with his hands around my throat. He was saying to me in a low growly voice "why, why, why!" "Why have you done this, I will kill you!" (Funny enough, I wasn’t even surprised or scared) I laid there knowing this was enough. I was leaving, and for good this time. After, I got up without tears and got my children ready for school. My youngest was ill, (ARRGGHH) so I took my eldest to school. Just as I was leaving he called me, he asked me "you are coming back aren’t you"? I replied "my son is upstairs ill, of course I’m coming back". When I met up with my sister at the school, I told her. She was shocked that I was leaving, but said if I needed help she would do whatever I asked.
I went home. While he lay in bed I gathered all my important documents, my passport, the kid’s passports, and their birth certificates. When I did the school run to pick up my child, I gave my sister the documents. I had a holiday booked and my children knew we were going. Then my mum was collecting the kids for a holiday at her place, my chance. So I did the holiday, it was torture! But it got my kids safety and away so I could leave too. Then as I planned, I left! I went to a refuge first, then on here, and to my mums where I am working and saving for a new start and a new home for me and the boys, who are here with me. He still calls to talk to the children, but we do not talk. He makes me out to be crazy to everyone, and a drama queen. I over react apparently! He wants me back and I know he thinks it will happen, because it always has. He is acting exactly the same as he does whenever we break up, but the difference is this time I don’t care. He may think he has my number and has me under his spell, but he doesn't. I go to sleep at night without crying. I don’t think of him only with sadness of what could have been, but of what was. I feel sorry for him but life goes on, well mine does.
I know that love doesn’t last forever! It runs out. He thinks it’s his trump card because I love him. But now I don’t love him, I don’t know what he is going to do when he realizes.