by D. Gale
(AZ)
I met my now-ex when I was in college. I dated his friend. During this time, I witnessed one "episode" where he was irrational with his girlfriend at the time, but I attributed it to him being drunk. Other than that, he was odd, and pretty cocky, but okay. After his friend and I broke up, I hadn't seen him for a while, as he didn't finish college. When I was about to graduate from school, I ran into him and we decided to have dinner (as friends) before I moved away. He admits that he became interested in me that night when he saw other men looking my way. We didn't see each other for over a year. I had other obligations and wasn't interested in dating him.
A year later, we started keeping in contact again and he QUICKLY professed his love for me. We talked on the phone for hours. He showered me with emails, calls, and attention. We drove 7 hours every other weekend to see each other. We moved in together after only a few months of this. He seemed much nicer than he had been before. I thought he had changed, grown up. He was so kind and generous and attentive. He bought me things and helped me in any way he could.
In a few months’ time, we were engaged. A year after that we were married. I'll admit I saw some red flags before we were married. Of course, hind sight is 20/20. We had some pretty crazy arguments. Arguments seemed to come out of nowhere… about things that really didn't matter. It was bizarre to me. Our honeymoon wasn't what I expected. First of all, he forgot his ID to get on the plane. The airport was 2 hours away one way. We missed our flight out. He blamed me. I was supposed to have packed everything he needed. (So HE thought. He didn't TELL me he expected me to pack for him. He was packing everything else. Why would I pack his identification for him?) He was very mad AT ME. On our honeymoon, we only had sex once, and it was like a chore to him. That was a bit odd. Then, he kissed some girl we didn't know on the forehead. That was odd! Then, he locked himself out of the room and I didn't hear him trying to get back in. He was very angry with me. The whole trip was uncomfortable. Not off to a good start! Of course, we had a big fight the day before the wedding because I wanted to go out to my mom's and help with the preparation and he wanted me to stay at our house packed with all of his family. It was a big blow-up. I should have ended it then but we'd already invited all these people and made so many arrangements. I didn't want to let him or his family down. I know, it sounds like a ridiculously stupid excuse now, but at the time, it was hard to get out. (Not as hard as it would get later...)
Our marriage was laced with cancelled Easter dinners because of arguments, controlling behavior, lots of caving in on my part, ridiculous amounts of money loaned by my family to us against my wishes (which he would, of course, not pay back in the future). He wasn't happy when I got pregnant with our daughter but put on a show to outsiders. He only showed affection when we were in public, bought flowers just so other would notice, (in fact, got mad if I didn't tell others that he had gotten me flowers), and criticized me publicly. Others noticed that too. He tried to isolate me from my family.
We had many arguments about that. One of which, he told me I couldn't talk to my mom anymore until she apologized to him for supposedly saying something offensive about him. She wouldn't. When he found out I had called her (he searched through my phone) he was livid. He threatened to leave. When I didn't beg him to stay, he said he was taking our daughter and I'd never see her again. He ordered me to get her ready. He was going to the office to get information from his computer proving that I was out of line. He followed me around the house berating me and how my behavior was ridiculous.
He then proceeded to leave with her and said I couldn't stop him. He said he'd fight for and get full custody because I couldn't support her. He said he'd keep me from seeing her. I tried to stop him from leaving with her. She was 2. He held her in his arms. I grabbed the keys from off the wall so he couldn't take her. The front door was open. I stood in front of it, trying to stop him. He WASN'T leaving with my baby! I knew he was crazy enough to keep me from her even if she cried for me and I didn't want him driving her in his "condition". I screamed for help out the front door. I was terrified. We lived out in the country. No one would hear. I went for my cell phone. He knocked it on the floor. He said he'd be long gone before anyone got there anyway. I knew he was right. I tried to keep him away from the kitchen. I thought about the knives. I tried to get our daughter from his arms. He grabbed me by the throat. I could see the "crazy" in his eyes. (My inner voice screamed out "if I survive this, get out! You may not get another chance!") He pushed me down to the ground. I believe he would have done much worse if he hadn't been holding our daughter in one arm. She started crying at that point. She was nearly flung out of his arms when he pushed me. She was reaching for me. He stopped. Eventually, he let me have her. She cried for me. I knew my only way out was to call my mom and tell her I'd never talk to her again. He still stalked me all weekend and wouldn't let me out of his sight. He knew I'd leave with our daughter if I could. I was numb all weekend. I was terrified. I considered putting a "Help!" sign on the window when the AC repairman came, but I was afraid my ex would see it. At that point, I was just doing what was "safe" until I could get out.
He wanted me to admit that everything that happened that day was my fault and that it wouldn't have had to happen if I had acted like I was supposed to. I went along with it out of fear. Finally, he made me mad enough that I told him "No! What happened today WASN'T my fault and I DIDN'T deserve that. No one does! There's no excuse for it!" to which he replied, "Ha! I recorded you saying that it WAS your fault and now you're saying this. You lied and I have proof!" (huh?! Insane!)
Things simmered down by Monday when it was time to go to work, but I couldn't get out for at least another month. Read my blog for the rest of my story. http://torn-whybatteredwomenstay.com