Sort of a survivor?... How do you move on?

by Kaitlin B
(Mississippi)

Hi I am sort of a survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I have spent my whole life around the wrong people and keep getting hurt. The worst thing to ever happen to me was falling in love with my ex-fiance who later turned out to be abusive. After spending 4 years on and off with him in and out of my life, I don’t know how to move on.

I still love him so much, but hate him at the same time for ruining what we had. He is the love of my life. I have no one to talk to because nobody understands why I still love him after what he has done. I don’t know the answer to that and it's so frustrating for me. I struggle with it every day. Every single day of my life I hurt so much and feel empty without him here. I have tried everything to move on and get over him. I ran away to Texas all the way from Wisconsin just to get away from him. But the love & pain still followed me.

My life took a turn for the worse after him. I was in 2 domestic abuse shelters and 2 psychiatric wards. I have PTSD, Severe Anxiety, Severe Depression, & Borderline Personality Disorder. I used to be on a lot of medication, but I am now trying to live a normal life without it since the prescriptions cost so much. I'm trying so hard to prove to my friends and family that I’m not crazy. But I can't explain it I am in love with a man that tried to kill me 4 times and now I blame myself for everything. I can't seem to write him out of my life. We remain friends to this day. We talk occasionally on the phone. I don’t know how to breathe or live even without him in at least a piece of my life.

He is my addiction and I can't break it. Dear God, I pray every day I can break away from this curse they call love. After him I just keep seeming to mess up my life more and more. I cant hold a job, I can’t make up my mind on anything, and I keep going down the wrong path. I turned to drugs and alcohol and stayed around a lot of bad people so I could numb myself from the pain. Now I have no idea how to get my life on the right track again. I have gone so far off course. It's not as easy as everyone try’s to make it.