Hey susan thanks for your testimony it means a lot. I'm glad you were able to get away to somewhere safe definitely and that he is in jail. Yeah I just said goodbye to my ex fiancee for good finally in December deleted and blocked all ways to contact him and threw away the pictures and things of ours I was holding onto... Its been a long recovery process day by day and I'm still just beginning but am doing much better I am happier and I can laugh and smile and I feel free again. I still struggle with the depression at times. But am doing better from the other mental illnesses. I was in a DBT group for people with BPD and that really helped a lot. I have also been in counseling since last fall and I am in a Celebrate Recovery Group at my church. I wasn't really moving on before because I didn't want to change I was holding on to what I still had with him but now I'm ready and want to move on and I have to believe that God has a better life for me. I got involved in my church where I live and got reconnected with God and my life is 10 times better than it used to be. Starting to learn to trust again and I'm still working on believing that but it's a process. It gets a little bit better every day now I have hope and a reason to live. Now my mom is going through a verbally abusive relationship with her second husband and she went through that with my father too. So I know what it's like. I've been in quite a few situations like that unfortunately but if you would like to talk more I would love to too :-) Hope all is well
Jan 19, 2014
I too feel your pain by: Susan
Dear friend and fellow survivor...I want you to know that as I began reading testimonials on this site I was most drawn to yours. I am a 52 yr old female that has just gotten out of my third abusive marriage. I too suffer from severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder, ptsd and borderline. I believe in my heart now that these things are what have allowed me in my mind to continually be treated in the manner I was used to. On January 1, of this new year I had my husband arrested for domestic violence. We had only been married a year and the abuse began a month after we married. He served in the Middle East and I used to forgive him for treating me the way he did because I thought that his actions were due to his own trauma. Soon though he began to make me believe it was me. He broke things, chased me, grabbed me by the hair and continually put me down. This last time he had me pinned in a corner and threatened to kill me. I knew I had to do something. I can tell you this...it's not your fault you still feel the way you do. I believe we hold onto a love that we perceive it to be and not what it actually is. Please stay strong...don't end up like me at my age having done this for the third time. It won't get better. I am back on medication, seeing a counselor and psychiatrist and involved in a domestic violence support group. I doubt I will ever trust another man and that is sad as I really still have a lot of living to do. I would like to communicate more with you if you wish and tell you more of this last abusive relationship as well as the other two I was in. We all need to stick together...stay strong...hope to hear from you...Susan in Ohio
May 04, 2013
re: Convicted felon and has a gun by: kaitlin
I'm sorry I didn't get back on here sooner to respond I don't check my email very often. I really hope that you are still OK and safe I will pray for you tonight! Please write me back if you get this message.
As for your question if you are still in that situation you need to get out as soon as possible! I have been in the same situation before and it was scary. I was walking on eggshells all the time because I didn't know what he was capable of. Once he put the gun to my head and threatened to kill me if I tried to leave. And he wasn't just a convicted felon he was also a drug dealer and a pimp. I got mixed up with the wrong crowd when I was alone and vulnerable after my ex fiancee! I waited til late at night when I was sure he was sound asleep and snoring and took only what I could fit into my pockets quietly and I left everything else and snuck out.
Things don't matter. I figured my life meant more. As soon as I got outside I ran until I got to a gas station down the road and hid out there. Then I called the nearest domestic abuse shelter and they came and picked me up. They gave me a safe place to stay, a warm bed, meal, and taught me how to get through it all. I learn to move on and it made me feel safe and protected.
If you are with him still, I encourage you to please seek help. Call a shelter. See if they have room available for you. Otherwise call for backup from friends or family and see if they will help u leave. But definitely get out of their right away! Just because he's only verbally abusive right now doesn't mean it won't get worse later on. No one deserves to be treated like that. You deserve so much better. Please get out right away and go somewhere safe where he won't know where you are. Make sure you stop contact with him and anyone in his circle so he won't have the chance to find you or come after you.
Well I really hope this letter finds you in a better and safer situation. but if you are not out yet, please do so soon. Be super extra careful! I don't want you to get hurt! Take care. I hope to hear from you soon.
Apr 12, 2013
In an abuse verbal relationship by: Anonymous
Convicted felon who has a gun. He told me that I can come stay with him until I find a place to go. I have been with him off and on. Now, I am scared to leave. I think I will relocate. He is so verbally abusive. Please help with any tips.
Dec 04, 2012
response to prev. by: kaitlin
Dear internet friend,
I thank you very kindly for your sweet words it feels great to know that somebody else is out there struggling with what I am. Not that I mean to say I wish this horrible pain on anybody else... What I'm trying to say is it just feels good to know that I'm not alone. Yes it is really hard being the fact that my family and friends don't understand so I have no one to talk to about it. The only thing is I was in love with him before he was ever abusive. So I know it was real love but the reason I am still holding on to that love I am not sure. It may be this traumatic bonding that you're talking about. I am definitely going to look into it and those books thank you very much for your reference.
As for your other comments about what you're going through if you need someone to talk to I'm here also. I'm worried about what you were saying about him possibly coming after you when he gets out of jail. That fear is not a good thing to live with and I'm just wondering if you tried a restraining order. After I left my ex the first time I got a restraining order on him because he threatened to kill me for leaving. I was scared to get one at first but then I felt better after. I think you should definitely look into it because it is not good to just walk around out there if you're not safe.
Also You could consider staying in the women's abuse shelter they will offer you protection and they are very big on confidentiality so he won't know where you are you'll feel a lot safer and they help you through your transition in moving on. I can't thank the two shelters I stayed in enough they worked wonders and they were so amazing they helped me through so much and made me feel safe. Maybe they could do the same for you. And also when you're out on your own I would recommend getting something to protect yourself. Not a gun or anything dangerous but I mean like a taser or mace. You know, something small that you could defend yourself with if you needed to. I have both of those myself they help me feel safer after everything I've been through. Well I hope to hear from you soon and I hope all is well with you. God bless!
Dec 02, 2012
I'm sorry and you're not alone by: Another girl
Kaitlin,
I feel really bad for you. I'm a survivor...for now. I don't know if he'll manage to kill me after he gets out of jail. He might.
Listen, the feelings you're having are common! You are absolutely not alone in having them, even though your friends or family cannot understand them. However, your feelings are NOT love. I know you believe they are, and that's understandable. But they are not love. They are more likely an actual psychological response to having been abused. The condition is called Traumatic Bonding. I hope you will google it and start to understand the terrible conflict you feel inside yourself.
Better yet, go to your public library and read (or ask them to order) "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It is so amazing a book that I almost promise you will feel as if it was written specifically about you and your abuser. Please read it!
Good luck to you, and a big hug from an internet stranger who's thinking about you positively. =)
PS: You could check out this self-test about "Traumatic Bonding" - http://bit.ly/TwsOea