Sleeping with the Devil

by Anonymous

So here it goes. This is something that is hard to talk about to anyone and so I feel the only way to get it off my chest is through this blog as I see so many similar stories to my own and can relate to the abuse at the very hands of the ones we call our "Husband" or "love of our lives."

I met my spouse in August 2004. By April of 2005 I had already had my first miscarriage which I blame him for and that is where my hell began. When I met my spouse he was everything that I had dreamed for. I called it my fairy tale. He was so handsome, intelligent, a business owner, and loved to wine and dine me. I loved it, every woman’s dream come true. It all changed when I first told him I was pregnant. That night he disappeared and I didn't hear from him. He avoided my calls for 3 days straight. I felt I was going to die from that stress and worrying day after day about where he was. Was he okay? Where did we go wrong?! He finally returned on the 3rd day. He called me over to his place as I was still at my moms. He apologized and we made up. A week later I miscarried. He blames me for it to this day saying that I must have had an abortion. As time went on, he seemed to change for the better. We had our first, then second son and as of present we are still together. Yet, his personality and temper have escalated to physical, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse.

I know that he must be on drugs. He goes days and sometimes a week without sleep. That is the worst because he has me up all hours of the night pleasing his sick fantasies and then he gets angry when he isn't performing well. He tells me that it’s my fault, and what have I done to him? He sometimes hears voices. For example, out of nowhere he’ll tell me to stop whispering, or why did I say this or that when i didn't even say a word. Just last night, the 3rd day of no sleep, we were driving to hand out invites to my son’s birthday party. He was in the passenger, out of the blue slapped me, then grabbed my hair as I was driving and said he wanted something back tonight or he would knock all my teeth out. Dear Lord, as I type now I am in tears at work because I can’t believe what has become of him, us. The worst is when my babies see this. It breaks me, but at the same time my courage grows stronger each time and I know that I will leave him soon. I have asked him to change and he says he will then he turns around and puts his hands on me again. I feel he has a mental issue but refuses to get help. Some days are ok but most are bad, with the verbal and sexual abuse. We have a good thing going, our house, business, I work and go to school full time, but he doesn't see it. He’d rather be high or not. He’d rather be treating me, the only person he has, like scum. I know I need to get out before he does anything worse but how? What about my kids having no father full time? What about the business? I guess I have let all these “what ifs” keep me around. But God to whom I pray to, I ask to give me the strength or a sign or make him leave me if that’s what’s best. I have to do something for myself, but most importantly my sons, my true loves. Thank you.