by KD
(Portland)
Dear Friends,
I want to tell you a story .It is not pretty and if you had told me three weeks ago, this would have happened to me I would have told you that you where crazy. Even more crazy is that I am going to bear my soul to people I have never met yet.
My story begins 17 years ago when I met a man I thought I truly loved, however he had major flaws that in this point in my life I should have seen coming. He was a party guy always had an alcohol addiction and a bit of a mean streak. I found out what that combination adds up to. The first time he beat me was over the fact I had decided I didn’t like all the people partying in our house and doing drugs in front of my children. I dumped his stash, kicked everyone out and told him no more. That got me a black eye so bad I had to work down in the warehouse for a week and although everyone knew how it happened nobody wanted to get involved. There were more black eyes, knocked out teeth and choking but we need to speed up to present time.
May 24, 2013
By now my so-called spouse has been laid off for 4 months and in recent years has developed a narcotic addiction to his massive drinking problem. He is now averaging 15-18 beers with a little crown royal tossed in and 10-12 narcos a day. Anyone that has used those drugs knows they are very powerful. Unfortunately the combination of these addictions spelled doom for me.
On the night before the incident happened he had come in to our home grabbed me around the throat and told me he was going to break my neck. I told him in no uncertain terms he would not touch me again. I finally was ready to leave him for good.
I got up the morning of the 24th and left the house as I usually did when he got up, it was easier to just not fight that way. I have perfected this skill over the last couple of months. I went over to a neighbor’s house and did have a few beers. A friend of mine offered to put me up because things had gotten so bad for me that it had spilled over into the neighborhood. So I decided I was just going to leave and thought my spouse wasn't home at the time. I believe he must have heard the conversation I had been having because he was laying in wait when I came in the house to get my things. I had used the restroom and when I opened the door he was right there. In fact I couldn't get the door open all the way. What happened next totally changed my life forever.
He grabbed me by the arm and slammed me so hard against the bathroom sink I couldn't sit down for weeks the bruise was deep and long. He then proceeded to slam me up against the shower door my head bouncing off the glass and the handle shoved into my abdomen where I had recently had surgery to remove a tumor. I ran to the front door to get out and he had the door blocked with his body. I picked up the only thing that was there, which was a coffee cup and hit him in the face so I could get away from him. At this point I called to the park manager to call 911. The sheriffs came out and I was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon, which is a felony but wait it gets better.
So being a middle aged accountant, I had never experienced jail life and had no idea what to expect. I spent 6 and a half days locked with real criminals 22 hrs in lockup 2 hrs out. being thrown a bologna sandwich for breakfast waiting to see if my cellmate who was looking at 25 years for armed robbery was going to kill me in my sleep. All the while my husband had no intention of bailing me out and in fact extended the restraining order another 30 days. So the one true friend I had was there when I was released from jail with no shoes, no wallet and no phone. Then here comes the adventure no one wants.
Now at this point I am exhausted, confused and quite honestly dazed. My friend and some others that didn't want to get involved in the dispute between my spouse and I, secretly gave me some money for shoes and necessities. I know now I have taken my friend for granted. As my for my other so-called friends they said one thing to me that will stick. They said “we like you both we don't want to get involved”. I guess you find out who your real friends are in a crisis.
So what little money we had scraped up, I stay in a motel for 4 days and slept in the car for two all the while trying to find a women's shelter that I could go to and maybe get some help to get my things back and maybe get some legal advice. I looked across 4 counties in northern California. I either didn't qualify because I didn't have kids, they where full or because I wasn't in the same county where the incident occurred. Also I was told since I wasn't in immediate danger I didn't qualify. Well at this point the money is almost gone and I was on the brink of homelessness and had to make a hard choice.
The last day i was in a motel I tried to get a sheriff escort to my home to retrieve the most important things. Like my identity, which included my social security card, resumes, contact numbers. My whole life was in a file box. The clothes and all those things where in sequential. However, the sheriffs office stated they did not assist in these matters and that I would have to hire an attorney or a process server. And anyone reading this story knows the money is just about gone and without my personal things that prove who I am and what I do are unattainable. My spouse told the neighbors that if I didn't have a sheriff escort he would have me arrested on the spot. So at this point I am totally screwed and the only way I could stay and fight my case was to go back to jail. just so I would have a roof over my head. No way was I going back to that. So I headed 600 miles away to sleep on my kids couch which is where I am presently. My spouse has tried to find out where I am by placing calls to my sons.
Now I am sitting here wondering whether I should have had the sheriffs called because I know now the justice system failed me. I also wonder if now I am going to be a convicted felon. How am I going to make a living without being able to prove who I am?
Was the price I had to pay too high for just trying to get away from the violence my world had become? I look at homeless women on the street and wonder if their story started out like mine. And where are all the networks for domestic abuse. Each phone call I made ended with a closed door at the other end. So I wonder what this says about our society? So far I have been victimized twice; one being my spouse, and the other a justice system with very little concern about what brought me to this point of my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Also the “friends” that see the abuse but fail to act because it messes with their sense of decorum. And finally A network system that obviously isn't equipped to deal with domestic abuse on a large scale, because I believe its much more prevalent then people let on. I believe my spouse is still abusing me 600 miles away because he may not have killed me, but he has stolen my life and refuses to return it to me. So anyone who reads this needs to know what can happen to your life in just three weeks all because you wanted to break the circle of violence.
He may have stolen every thing I loved and continues to do so, but I have something he can never take. My voice and bearing my soul to the world. It is all I have to fight back with. Because without those he should have just killed me on May 24th, 2013. Just remember “life is just an illusion”. I found out the hard way.
I hope this story helps other people to come out and make a stand against domestic violence whether you are on the receiving end or just a bystander watching. please pass this letter on and get involved.You may just save someone...
Sincerely,
KD
an add on from today. I tried to call my public defender today and guess what? I couldn't get through. To me this is devastating I guess this means my spouse wins. The only mistake I made was to love him and try to fix him. However, I was the loser in this battle. I didn't realize that being a victim was harder than being the perpetrator. I have tried and failed. I don't know what to do at this point. It just doesn't seem fair. I didn't do any thing, but to save my life. I didn't realize it was a crime....