Run. FAST. Don't stop. Get help from your family but get away. He is abusing you and he can go back to prison. If you don't go now, you will be stuck with him the rest of your life. He has already convinced you that you have no where to go and that is not true. You have nothing tying you to him, yet. You have nothing to lose but he will eventually kill you so you have your life to gain by leaving now, anyway you can. I have tried to make my relationship work for 30 years. He's been abusive since we dated as teenagers. Now I am married - to him. We have an 8 year old daughter, a business and I am trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to break this family up because I'm done. I love him. He is my best friend. I will miss him forever but this has to stop. I can't let my daughter think it is okay for anyone to act like him. Please girl, RUN.
Aug 02, 2012
One other thing.. by: Laurie
If you are going to a state school in a state large enough to have multiple universities, sometimes what they can do for you is to switch you to another school in the system temporarily if you let them know you have a stalker. That way, if you make the arrangements early enough, you may be able to start school on time if that is what you want. If you are going for a BA you are going to be taking routine stuff like freshman comp anyway so going to a different campus temporarily might not be a big deal....well it is..but hopefully you will be taking similar courses and it will keep you safe.
Jul 30, 2012
Thought about it some more by: Laurie
I looked at your letter a second time and I think I would like to add to my previous response. I think you need to ask yourself why you won't tell your parents. My own daughter went to great lengths to deny the obvious even when she had a big black eye. Why? Because she wasn't ready to leave him yet and if she told her parents or friends, they would be putting pressure on her to do just that. She would complain from time to time about the nice boyfriends she had had previously, but with the abuser she was always covering for him and making excuses and keeping it positive. I think down in your heart you know where this relationship is going but you are not ready to let go. I think its good that you can tell anonymous strangers the truth and you are not denying his violent side to yourself. That's very positive. Now you have to ask yourself what makes you want to stay in this relationship? Does he shower you with attention or tell you he loves you? Does he make you feel guilty for wanting to leave him? Are you afraid he will hurt your family? It only gets worse. At some point you are going to have to deal with the problem. I have read that women who keep focused on the man's negative characteristics are more likely to move on. Visualize him doing bad things and imagine how you and others would see his actions. Think about how your friends and family are going to feel, seeing you hurt, or how you would feel if he hurt someone else. But the BIGGEST question is, what kind of life would a baby have with him as the father? You are looking at an 18-life sentence if you get pregnant. Men with this profile do not make loving fathers to their children. Worse yet, most people think that a child will chose the best parent when parents are not getting along. Research has indicated that often just the opposite occurs. Safety is often perceived by the child to be in the arms of the aggressor so you will not only have to be dealing with a violent boyfriend, but a child who rejects you in favor of him and who may in turn be violent toward you and other women. If he calls you some choice 4 letter words, that is what your toddler and teenager is going to be calling you. Monkey see monkey do. If you are not ready to leave him for now then you should be thinking about what you can do to insure you do not get pregnant by him until you are ready to leave.
Jul 29, 2012
I am a mother of an abuse victim by: Laurie
My daughter was about your age when she got involved with an abuser. We- our entire family- has been going through this for 5 years now and I came to this site looking for help myself. What I have learned; Appeasing a bully never works and he will get a lot worse. Promise. Go to your local library and read books on domestic abuse. Look at web sites on domestic abuse because the stories you will read are remarkably similar. I know this is hard but you really need to tell your family. If you don't feel you can do that, consider a high school counselor or maybe Minister although in my case my church was shockingly uncaring and unhelpful to me- but that's my parish- not yours. If you are concerned he might do violence to your family, then talk to your mom and dad about staying with family or friends outside of your area until he finds a new victim- which he will. If he knows where you were going to college then that is a problem and you may need to either talk to a counselor at the college about keeping you safe, or better yet apply to a different college. My gut feeling is you might be better off dealing with this issue before you go away to college and then going someplace else because if you are anything like my daughter you will probably cave in and see him/ talk to him many times before the final get away and at college he can better stalk you. Besides, you need to be able to concentrate on school work at college- not domestic abuse. Besides,college can be a lonely place in the beginning, making you more prone to give in and talk to him. Cell phones can be a major problem because they are a control freaks dream come true. Mutual friends will give him your phone number unintentionally- and some times intentionally. My daughter's friend got mad and got even by giving out her number to him a few months ago so I'm anticipating another year and numerous beatings before she gets away again. You need to change your number because you can block his phone number but you can't block calls from a computer despite promises from cell carriers to the contrary. Be careful who you give the number to. Facebook is also a potential stalkers dream. You need to get rid of ALL mutual friends on facebook and be careful about posting anything that will give away your whereabouts or antagonize him. That includes pictures that other people take of you and put on their facebooks that he can find. There are battered woman's shelters throughout the country. Some provide counseling. Don't be afraid to go to one for help or call their hotlines. They have been the most helpful to my family in helping her get free..at least temporarily...Good luck.
Jul 28, 2012
My Personal Advice by: Pam
Hi Brave Young Lady,
Remember surviving is within you and you can do this!! Domestic violence never affects just the victim, but the entire family. I am hoping you still live at home, if not - move home now! You need a support network, and they need to realize the severity of this situation as you could all be in very grave danger. If your abuser can’t get information from you, they will go to the next closest source – your family and friends. This is not a reason to stay away from home, or try to handle this alone. Tell your family as they are all in danger and come up with a safety plan. Domestic violence should never be taken lightly as it kills way too often. If something happens to you, your family will be devastated! Let them love and support you now.
A few fast thoughts:
He chose you as his victim to control and dominate. This relationship has nothing to do with love, or valuing you and cannot be salvaged!
You need to go back to the police station and; 1) Get a restraining order and have it legally documented. 2) Talk to an officer that has training in assisting victims of domestic violence situations. Explain your situation and that fact that he is always carrying a weapon. If nothing else, print off your story that you posted to this website for the police and even your family. It may be easier than trying to put it into words again. That weapon may be a violation of his parole, which would solve your problem at least for a time.
If need be, from your family home, you can move to a safe location; distant relative, friend, or acquaintance. Cancel your cell phone, or trade cell phones with your father and do not give out your new cell phone number to ANYONE! If you trade cell phones, have your father text everyone that you are no longer in possession of your cell phone. He will also need to inform them that he will be monitoring all cell phone activity on you cell phone. No other information about you, your whereabouts, or your future plans should be mentioned to ANYONE. I also recommend discussing the option of legally changing your name with your family. If you do change your name, it is not to be mentioned as it is for your safety.
If you have college plans, whether you actually change them or not, your family should get the message out that they have changed. Some victims are stalked and terrorized for years. I recommend taking a break from your usual surroundings, and contacts and see if he will move on.
For the safety of everyone, work with your parents and keep everyone else out of the loop. Do not weaver back and forth once you set up a plan. Take domestic violence seriously and follow through!!
Blessings, Pam
Ps. this is NOT legal or professional advice in any way, merely my opinion. Your decisions and actions must be your responsibility and have to be of your own choice. Be careful and safe!!