i still love my husband

I met my husband when I was 19. He was so handsome and strong. I had never dated a man like this. We started taking and soon after I learned he had a son and had been in an abusive relationship with his ex. But when he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes. I remember thinking I will just have to be better then his ex. He told me he would never hit me because I was his angel. 3 months later we were engaged. 1 month later my nightmare began. We were at his parents house and we had been aguring before bed and I turned around to go to sleep and the next thing I new my pants and panties were down and he was tring to shove his fist up my butt. I moved away and he grabed me and throw me outside, I ran but he caught me by my hair and I fell on the ground. He picked me up and dragged me back and slammed me against the house and he hit me a few times. The next day he said he was sorry and I forgave him. We ended up making love and when we were done he shoved me off the bed and he started hitting me again. He must have got tired of hitting me because then he started choking me. I almost past out when someone knocked on the door. It was his dad, he asked if everything was ok and my husband said yes. He left me alone after that. I stayed with him. We got married in november that year and have been married now 5 years (2006-2012). Over the years he has ripped up my clothing, called me horrible names, punched, kicked, slapped, spit on and raped me. We have 2 kids together and also have his son full time. My kids have never seen there dad hit me but I know they hear the name calling and me crying. I am still with my husband and I still love him deeply. I don't know if I will ever leave him. I have become dependent on my husband and I can't even sleep at night when he is away. When times are good they are really good then something happens and it starts all over again. I'm not inocent I have a temper myself and can have a bad attitude but I am not making ecuses for him I'm just owning my own stuff. I just wanted to get this off my chest, since I feel the bad times are almost here again.