I Married A Monster....

by Cassi
(Las Cruces)

We decided we wanted to get married right away so with the help of my mom we got married in November 2007. Our wedding was small, but it was perfect. I trusted him, and thought everything would be perfect....We got married, moved into our cute little apartment, and continued going to school. I was so excited to move into our own place, cook every night, and kiss each other good night, and every morning. Then everything started to change for the worse... Shortly after we moved in he started to change, and not for the better. He was never home, and sometimes he would be out all night. He wouldn't answer his cellphone, and sometimes he would just turn it off. Here I was alone, and pregnant. I put on a happy face, and tried to make the best of it. I made up excuses, and I would lie to everyone why he wasn't home. We argued all the time and I started to see his true colors. I hated it when he came home, and smelt like a bar. To this day I cannot stand the smell it brings back nightmares. Instead of living in a fairy tale I was living in hell. I didn't have anyone, and I was scared.

It started out with him being verbally abusive, and telling me he hated being married to me, and he hated being home, he didn't want to have a baby with me... In April the month before our daughter was born he attacked me in our apartment. He choked me on our couch. I couldn't breathe, and all I could think about is my baby... My husband is a big guy so I knew I didn't have a chance. I remember how his hands felt around my throat, and the way his eyes looked ...I thought I was going to die. After he attacked me he left our house, and before he left he said I don’t want to have a baby with a bitch like you because she will turn out to be like her mother. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock I wanted to remain calm, and not stress my daughter. I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't find my phone. The next morning I found it where he put under our couch. He never came home that night. The next day he sent me a text and told me he was sorry. It would never happen again, and he wanted to be with me. I of course forgave him because I wanted my daughter to have a dad.

After my daughter was born I thought things would be perfect, but I was wrong. It got worse, and he was becoming a monster.. He was pushing me against the wall, dragging me, yelling at me, pushing me out of bed, kicking me, getting in my face. Drinking all the time, and of course never coming home at night. I put up with it for two years, and then he started slapping me. Then one night the slapping turned into beating me up in our bedroom. He had been drinking, and he got upset grabbed me by my hair, and starting punching me in the back of my head. I was blocking him, and he kept hitting me, but my thumb was right there. I ended up losing my thumb nail.... He was always sorry.... But then he actually stopped all the abuse, and things actually started to change for the better. I was starting to trust him again, and I really believed he was changed. He graduated, and I graduated and we then moved into our first house. I really believed my fairy tale was coming true. Before I go on there were a lot of times he would damage my belongings, rip up pictures that were on the wall. Once he threw my jewelry box off our balcony, and my neighbor helped me pick up everything. He would drive to places that were out of town, and kick me out of the car. He would take my phone, and purse, my car keys. He would degrade me in front of our friends, make fun of me, and make me feel worthless.

Finally I felt like things were looking up when we found our dream house. It was one of the best days the day we moved in. I didn't know at the time this was the last and final chapter of our life together. It was June when we moved in, and we were ready to start fresh. Weirdly, I was so in love with my husband that I was blind, and I couldn't see that he really hadn't changed. I wanted to be the perfect family so I tried everything to make our lives perfect. I made dinner every night, cleaned, and worked. I put a smile on my face, and did my best not to make him mad. But things got worse. He was now going out all the time, and not wearing his wedding ring it broke my heart. He came home at all hours drunk, and now he was waking up our daughter. He was punching holes in our walls. He was harassing me about not being pregnant yet, going to clubs, and he started doing worse things to my belongings. He ripped up my grandpa's picture, threw my phone in the desert, threw my clothes in the trash. It kept getting worse, and worse. I had no idea my nightmare was about to come true. Then this past June he came after me with a bat. In front of our daughter he didn't hit me, but that fear was back. It was worse than the last time, and I started to fear for our safety.

Then it happened on July 7th, 2012 he came home from the bar, and he was very drunk. I heard his phone go off, and walked over to it to see who texted him... Dumb right... I shouldn't have, but I had to know. Sure enough it was girl named Sandra. I tried to control myself because I didn't want to start something. I couldn't control myself I woke him up, and started yelling and yelling. He was pretty out of it, but wasn't going to stop. I yelled for a while, and then I when I was done I set his phone down on his nightstand. I told him it was over after all of this I was done. I turned around to walk away, and then he grabbed my hair, pushed me down to the ground and started punching me in the back of my head. He wouldn't stop, and the pain was nothing like I felt before. I was screaming, but he wouldn't stop. Then finally I got up, and I was so dizzy I ran to the bathroom. He came after me, and I was down on the ground again bleeding. I looked up at him, and he said "now you can get stitches bitch." I was bleeding badly and my bathroom looked like a crime scene. I had at least 12 gashes on the back of my head, my arm was broken, and my thumb. My daughter woke up after the attack, and didn't know what to do because I went into mom mode. I put a towel on my head so I could maybe stop the bleeding, and went to her room. I got her back to sleep, and my head was still bleeding really badly. I work in the medical field, and knew I was not in good shape. I knew I needed stitches I could feel a piece of my skull poking out. I just wanted the pain to stop, how could he do this to me. I had to fix myself so I took the most painful shower, and washed out all the blood. I remember seeing all the blood going down the drain, and telling myself you have to leave.

I didn't call the police which I will live with that regret for the rest of my life. I took a pain pill, and tried to rest. I thanked God that night over and over. I told him thank you for making him stop, I thought I was going to die. I really did! I really thought my daughter was going to find my body. I had lost a ton of blood, and I knew it wasn't good not to get medical attention. But I was so happy to still be alive. After that night I knew I had to get out, but I had nowhere to go. I had to form a plan, and the worst part of it all was that nobody knew. I didn't want to bother people with my problems, and I thought I could fix it. I stayed in the same house, in the same bed for almost a month. Two weeks after he beat me almost to death, he dropped my daughter and I off in the desert. He took my phone, and my purse, and dragged me out of the car. It was almost dark, and there was lightening. We walked for a while, and then he came back for my daughter. Soon after he came for me. I thought at that point he was going to kill me. He took us to this back road, and he was yelling. His eyes were black, and cold my daughter was crying. I thought oh my gosh this is it I'm dead. No, he didn't kill me, but soon after that I left him. I didn't think I had the courage, but I did. I called movers, and I moved out on August 3rd, 2012. No one knew anything. He was at work, and I wasn't looking back. I got an apartment, and I ran to safety. I called my Mom and I told her everything. I knew at that point that I was so blessed I had survived. I am so lucky to be able to tell my story.

My biggest tip is don’t keep secrets, tell someone, and call the police. And remember you don’t have to suffer in silence. These past five years have been like hell, but now that I’m free I can say that this experience has made me the strongest person. I never knew I had it in me to leave, but I knew I had to do it for my daughter. It was also the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it took more strength not to go back. It has only been two months since I left, and I know I have a very long road ahead. I know I made the right choice, and I know that my daughter will have a better life because I made the choice to leave. I count my blessing before I go to sleep at night, and I am so thankful that I survived. We all have the strength inside of us, but we just have to find it.