14 Years To Leave...

by A Woman
( NJ)

I thought at 23 years old that I finally met the person I'd live with forever. I had dated men that were immature and he was immature, had his own house and family business. Now I realize he was great with smoke and mirrors.

A few months after we were together, I moved in and soon after the verbal insults and controlling behaviors began. After I became pregnant 7 months into the relationship, he really began to show his controlling side. Looking back at my diary entries, he was stripping away any feeling of self worth I had.

Within the first year after my first child was born, he began threatening me if I left, I couldn't cross the state line with his child or he would use his lawyer brother to get full custody. He threw stuff at me, yelled all the time, degraded me in front of the child, hit the dog and more.

A few years after we were together I went to a domestic abuse shelter for counseling. I got stronger and realized it wasn't me. I began to stick up for myself when he would freak out, but because I wasn't reacting the way he wanted he began going after the kids verbally. Not only was the verbal abuse increasing but a strange demented behavior of intentionally getting the kids upset. For example he would go to Wawa and buy himself something to eat and then sit there and say "this is sooooo yummy, I know you would want some, but too bad, it's all mine....!" He would also sing or laugh after the verbal abuse, like he got off on it.

This last year, our 15th year together, is when I first started thinking of leaving for real. Why? Because the verbal abuse of the children and I escalated to physical. In the winter he took us to Disneyworld after an incident, I guess to get us to forget, but while at a hotel there he went after my second son and threw him on the bed, held his hand on his throat, threw him over and punched him in the back. I kicked him out of the house and he moved in to our cottage that we normally rent out. He now saw this as new found freedom and would come and go as he pleased and drink all night and sleep all day. He would come through the house in the afternoon, miserable and snap at us. He never helped with anything before and now it was worse. I had assumed all responsibilities from house maintenance, kids, bills, etc. If I could do all this without him, why not do it really with out him.

One afternoon he came in while I was scrubbing the refrigerator and was talking to the two littlest children, 3 and 4 years old. "Daddy's moving the rest of his stuff in to his mancave!" He said it repeatedly until I said, "when are you going to wake up and be a father and husband?" He proceeded with the cursewords, telling me I was worthless and how could anyone live with me. I told him that if he was going to move the rest of his stuff out back, don't bother coming in any longer. He continued cursing. I locked the back door as he went out back. I heard him singing. He left for Wawa and I hurried and grabbed whatever clothes he had left in the house and threw them into the cottage. He came home and threatened to beat us. I went in the house and locked the door and he came threw it with a key. I asked him what was he doing and he was just walking around, trying to get me more upset or escalate the situation further. I said nothing. I waited until he walked out of the house and called the non-emergency number. I went to the police station and filed a order of protection to have him removed from the property. A abuse counselor came to the police station and helped me think of what I was going to do.

It's been a week and a half and he's postponed the court proceedings twice now, hasn't given me any money and I have a lawyer thanks to my parents who are lending me as much money as I need to finally get out of this. My children have all started counseling and I start this week. I also meet with my lawyer this week to begin divorce filing. This week when we finally go to court again, supposedly they will order child support and spousal support.

I have my moments and so do the children. It's like they are going through grief like someone has died. They are grieving for the father they hoped would get better, but now realize never will.

We will get better, it's not easy to do the un-familiar but we look forward to days with happiness, no worry or eggshells to walk on.