Vidication

My ex-husband was married to a friend of mine. I wasn't attracted to him as a lover or in a romantic sense at all and I knew him for 20 years before we married.

I had gone through a real bad divorce with the father of my son and moved in with him and my friend to start a new life. It was a bad choice for me as they were fighting and on the verge of a divorce. I felt kind of uncomfortable the whole time I lived with them. I was kind of used as a scapegoat. I eventually got my own place and he would be over there a lot helping me do things, or giving me rides to work, buying me gifts. I started feeling sorry for him because he would tell me how bad she was to him. One night he came over asking if I would want to be in a relationship with him and I felt really scared and un-nerved the whole time. I told him sure but you’re married. I said this to get him to leave because I knew in my mind it was some sort of attempt for him to feel wanted. He would never leave her because he loved her and was being hurt by her. I saw him as a victim. He did ask her for a divorce and she is now passed away. I was and still am blamed in some fashion for her death and was put through questioning by the police and had a polygraph test. It was humiliating and it still hurts to this day. His friends still harass me and email me threats and call me a murderer.

I come from a very abusive childhood and many bad relationships so my self-esteem and reasoning about love are still not quite right. I thought this man was a victim of a bad wife. I was a bad person, and he was perfect in some way, stable and I was in need of his input in my life. This was the mentality that was fed over 10 years I was with him.

He got engaged to one girl who was also a friend of his deceased wife. And we all moved to a different state. I came with them to actually get out of that town and the rumors. I desperately wanted to start the new life I wanted after my first divorce, but I ended up stuck in the old one.

He came to me one day and told me this girl had spent over thousands of money and he was left with nothing even though he had bought a new car and house. I felt so sorry for him. He wanted to leave her or rather kick her out and be with me. AGAIN, I thought he was kidding and told him I wasn’t interested because he was with her. But, I got to thinking about my life and how I have been treated over so many years and I wanted to be happy and have a stable relationship. So somewhere in my brain I thought it would be with him. People treat him so good and with respect and I was and still am treated very badly. I thought being with him people might respect me because he loved me and I could be stable.

So he kicked her out and we got together and later married. I will say this, I know that as humans we make bad choices and I have made some real big ones. And the day we got married I actually thought I was going to be sick. I was afraid and I wanted to run. I did not want to marry this man at all. He had already started abusing me and was sleeping in another room except to have sex with me. I was so stupid. But he had convinced me that I was bad and needed him. For ten years he was never home and I mean never. I was alone all day every day for many years. I suffered from panic attacks and depression and he didn’t care. I was not included in any way shape or form in any decisions about anything. He never introduced me to his friends who he spent time with. I actually had a girl tell me he would come to her work to talk to her. I would say by the end of our marriage two years ago he was so intentionally uncaring to me he told me he didn’t care if I lived or died. I still thought I was bad person. I had a nervous breakdown and he didn’t even take me to a hospital.

One day after our divorce was final, he moved another woman in my house.

I still get nasty emails and sometimes drive byes at my apartment from him or his friends. I just want it to end and have some sort of vindication because as he did with me about my friend he has convinced everyone I was a drug abuser and a cheater.

I do go to counseling and I am better mentally than I was a year ago. But, I still hurt and cry. I hope my life gets better being away from this man. I have no support except for my counselor so it’s been a long road for me.