Picking Up The Pieces...
by Nicole L.
(Illinois)
I finally had the courage to leave my abusive marriage of 3 1/2 years. I felt so ashamed and I never understood the dynamic of an abusive relationship and why the victims stay, but now I know. When I look back all the signs were there. I remember on my wedding day at our local courthouse while reciting my vows thinking, "Don't do this" and not feeling the way you should feel. He drew me in with his promises and attention. I ignored his acting crazed during our second date because I accepted a phone call while we were at lunch. He paced back and forth, went to the restroom then said, "God that was so rude, why would you do that, why would you take a call when we're together, I can't believe you."
I didn't stop to think when he called obsessively, proposed after knowing me for 30-days even cried when I said I was moving away. At the time, it all seemed like wow, he really is the one, he really cares.
The day we received our license I remember him being angry at the costs and having to pay and screaming, "God is this what being married to you will be like." He even called off the engagement and I desperate for love, begged him not to call it off because he stated the reason was my bad credit and I had lied to him about finances.
I didn't pay attention after 30-days of marriage when in the grocery store he became enraged over something so pety.
I ignored all the signs that he would be unfaithful all the women and the pornography he watched regularly, that must be what single men do and he's so open wow, he's so different, he's the one.
The first major incident was him yelling in his apartment and telling me to get out and getting in my face telling me to leave before things got ugly. He put my suitcase out and all but shoved me out. I was so hurt I threw my ring and called him a "B" he ran up to me enraged like the devil himself and told me to take it back or else. I was terrified so I took it back. I got in my car and proceeded to drive off and I called him another "B" thinking I was safe, but he charged at my car and jumped in the air kicking my passenger door. I was shocked and scared. What just happened I couldn't grasp how I was in this situation. I called the police and then called my Mom. I made a police report and even took out a restraining order.
He said he was so sorry and I wanted to believe him and didn't want my marriage to fail so I broke the order and went back with him in secret. My breaking point when I knew my love wasn't enough and I had to leave was July 2010. We had been fighting a lot. He once slapped me so hard I couldn't hear out of my left ear for a week. My right leg is messed up and I hobbled for over a year. He choked me over money in front of our daughter then ran off with her and refused to bring her back because he didn't want me to leave. In July I found out
I was pregnant again he pretended to be happy said how he would help and made all these promises. We found out from our land lord that our lease wasn't going to be renewed, guess she didn't like all the fighting and police being called regularly. We were riding in the car after viewing places I stopped at a drive thru and he asked for a soda, I stated I couldn't afford to buy him one. That through him into a rage, he yelled, called me worthless and other names. Stated he wanted out of the marriage he hated me. The fighting continued and when we got back he said, "I hate you, I don't want to have anymore children with you. I hope you die B, I hope you suffer, I hope you die on the table while giving birth!" "God I hate you, I hate I ever married you and I am getting out of this marriage, your fat, your ugly, I hate you!" We argued back and forth but that was it for me. I felt that my unborn child wasn't strong enough and I even remember asking God not to punish an innocent child as I knew that he wouldn't want another child. I lost my child within 2 weeks. I remember being alone with our daughter who wasn't quite 12 months thinking God please don't let me bleed to death alone with my baby. That was my wake up call.
I made my plan. I prayed to God to guide me. I planned that I would get a decent place for me and my 2 kids, get a job and then leave him. It was hard.
Fast forward to November 2011 and after more than a year of verbal abuse and physical abuse I felt strong enough to end it. He jumped on me and I called the police. I pressed charges and was able to get another 2 year restraining order. I haven't spoken to my husband and he's been out of our home for over 60 days. I feel so free no longer lost. I feel hope for the first time in almost 4 years. I still feel numb, no longer sensitive, the past feels unreal like a movie on Lifetime. I hate what it did to my kids and I blame myself everyday because I'm a nurse and I was trained to help victims and I should have known better. I never thought I would be in an abusive relationship let alone an abusive marriage. I no longer dread the days of the week he's normally off. I no longer feel my stomach turn in knots at 5:00 p.m. when he gets off of work. I don't have to keep my phone on me and be fearful of missing his phone calls. I don't have to hide things I purchase or feel bad because he thinks I spend to much of my money, that I earn. I don't have to be called a "B" and fat and ugly everyday. I don't have to live on eggshells and count the days to the next argument. I feel safe, I don't jump at the sound of someone walking up the stairs and I don't wake to find him learing at me through the doorway of our bedroom in the darkness. I am free. I am so free and I will never go back again!