Moving Forward

After a long and hurtful break up with a former boyfriend who I believed I would begin a future with another guy came into my life during at a really vulnerable time. After getting cheated on and blind sighted by the breakup he began to step in and I felt as though the pieces of my life were coming back together. Although off the bat he was not any type of guy I saw myself with I decided to give him a chance because I was tired of constantly going for the wrong guys. He was sweet and charming, a gentleman, honestly the picture perfect guy. We dove into our relationship head first and fell in love within a couple months. Everything was seemingly perfect he treated me better than I ever had been treated, we had so much fun with one another, and many people were envious of our relationship. I paraded him around to family and friends because I truly believe he was the one that I could see myself with in the future and even the father of my kids one day. I was head over heels in love.

Seems perfect right? I was dealing with a lot of personal issues and still feeling the effects of my past break up. I found myself extremely confused with my ex began to see me happy and feed me ideas that he regretted what he had done. The confusion eventually took over me and I was unfaithful to my boyfriend at the time. The disappointment I had felt within myself was excruciating, how could I make somehow feel as I had felt when it was done to me? Somehow my boyfriend had found forgiveness in his heart and we were able to work through the pain and disappointment I had caused. This is when things took a complete 180.

Looking in hindsight, the signs were all there. Every time he would drink an intense argument would erupt and I found myself in a very dark and scary place. Some images I vividly remember were being left in cornfields, shattering my cellphone, holding me down by force and not letting me go, he even blocked me off on roads with his own vehicle whenever I would try to escape the situation. The verbal abuse was also present all the while. I was told that I was getting what I deserved for the hurt I had caused him. Even with the signs I stayed, I felt responsible for a part of the dysfunction because of my infidelity. Still on the outside we had portrayed the picture perfect relationship which made bystanders completely oblivious to what was really going on. It wasn't until this past summer that things escalated completely out of control.

We were at a party together with all of my friends present (we are from different towns so we each had separate friend groups apart from our mutual friend circle) I remember him drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle. It started out as harmless fun, but I sensed a great deal of tension. My ex had shown up at the party we were at and after we arrived at the fair I went my separate ways with a group of my girlfriends while he did his own thing. All of a sudden a felt a tug on my arm and turned around to see that it was my boyfriend. He immediately jumped down my throat about being off with my ex, my girlfriends tried to intervene by defending that I in fact was doing nothing wrong. As he began to raise his voice, I knew that the situation was only going to escalate. I began to walk away with him right behind me saying disgusting and volatile things. As we were about to leave the fair we came up on a blacktop parking lot where no one was present. He tackled me from behind where I hit the ground head first. He began by punching me in the face and then holding my wrists unbearably tight and began bouncing my head up and down on the pavement with great force. I began screaming at the top of my lungs for help. Two families heard my screaming and the men present tore him off of me. The two women shoved me into their car and drove away quickly to get me home and safe. I just remember the intense throbbing pain from my head yet feeling completely numb. The family dropped me off at my house and I immediately called my best friends, sister, and mom but nobody answered. After about fifteen minutes I heard the garage door open and sighed with relief that it had to be my mom. To my surprise it wasn't my mom, but him. I took off running out of my front door with no destination, just running because I honestly thought he was going to kill me. Once again he tackled me from behind and began to beat me once again. He was hitting, shoving, pushing, pulling my hair, and choking me. I was bleeding from my lip and my knee but I still tried to fight. He then took me by my neck and held his arm tightly around it and carried me solely by my neck to my house which was about ten feet. I remember feeling dizzy, seeing black and thinking and believing that I really was going to die. His eyes were pitch black and through the entire attack he continued to remind me how I deserved what he was doing.

My parents finally got home after things had settled down and he was thrown out of the house. The next morning I woke up with intense pain but no courage to call the police. I had a black eye, a black lip, bruises on both forearms that made my arms to appear black, skinned knees, choke marks on my neck, a lump on the back of my head big enough to cup in my hand which led to a concussion. I was in a very sick mindset. Somehow he had convinced me that I exaggerated the attack and I also added to the sequence of events. No matter the advice my parents and friends gave me I couldn't find the strength to press charges. I remember feeling somewhat bad because I thought my infidelity was what led up to the attack. With the support of friends and family I was able to distance myself from my attacker but not for long.

He began writing long letters, emails, texts, phone calls, sending me flowers, and little gifts to remind me of the good times. After my friends had gone back to school for the semester I found myself falling back into old habits. He promised to get help, to never do it again, to never drink again anything to get him back. I was emotionally and physically so ill that I could not or didn't want to see the scary truth.

Soon after I began having trouble with my short term memory, with my vision, focusing in class, and I began having excruciating headaches. I made an appointment with a doctor to see what was going on. From the attack I was still unable to move my neck (which I was seeing a chiropractor for) in addition to the bruises and my immobility in my neck I also found out I had two popped ribs. If this wasn't enough after a few doctor visits, CT scans, and MRI's, I found out that I had suffered a moderate traumatic brain injury from the blows to my head. I was terrified. I began slowly confiding in my professors and a few friends the horrible truth about what really had happened to me. I even sought professional help and was also treated for PTSD.

Somehow there was something still in me that made me afraid of moving on. He manipulated my kind and forgiving heart into believing he would change. It wasn't long until I found the cycle to continue. We would be hot and cold whenever we would separate he would go to friends and bad mouth me and tell them we had broken up because I had cheated. He would date other girls and have me come and go at his convenience. I even found myself begging for forgiveness and begging for him back when he would leave. He made me believe I could not live without him. I was not strong enough or capable of loving myself enough to get out.

It wasn't until a recent episode that has allowed me a glimpse of hope that I am on the road to recovery. After an argument at his house he began cursing me out and threw me out of his room and told me to get the ____ out of his house. His dad had heard the commotion and asked if I needed a ride home and I denied. He then shoved me outside and into the cold weather. He made me sit out there for fifteen minutes until I had apologized for making him angry. That night I told him I was leaving for good in the morning and wouldn't be back. When I woke up we immediately started getting into it and he then said he was leaving me, oh how the tables had turned he thought. He began telling me how miserable he is, how terrible I am, and how I bring the worst out in him. I began bawling, but not like I had in the past. There was this sense of relief that overwhelmed me. My car was not at his house so he actually had to drive me home. All while crying my heart out he continued to beat me down with the most offensive and hurtful words I could imagine. Once again trying to tell me I was getting what I deserved.

I called my mom and my sister and told them to immediately get to the house. He tried saying that he would stay with me until the support of my family was there. But I finally didn't cave in. I told him off, how miserable HE made me, how terrible he was and I just cried until I finally reached home. My family was there with open arms and as hurt as I was, I was safe. I finally was fed up with the verbal and physical abuse and finally allowed myself to have a voice. My friends and family are my rock through this all, and I have finally wholeheartedly committed to getting myself healthy. I have reached out to other friends and other support groups/facets in order to get my story out there. The truth is powerful. Although my wounds are far from healed, I see a light at the end of the tunnel.... I really see an end to this. I am only 22 years old and have so much ahead of me that I would hate to miss out on from a "man" believing I am worth nothing. I have read many success stories and finally got the courage to speak about mine as well. Strength is in numbers, and the support, love, and respect I have received from this experience is priceless.