I feel so guilty after reading this. I am 19 and I am in a violent relationship.
PLEASE don't blame your daughter. My mother cries and worries and loves me to pieces. But you can't grasp the fact of what these guys do. They brainwash us and manipulate us. They have us wrapped around their little finger.
The monster I call my boyfriend now split my nose open on Friday just past. I came home to my mum telling her I had fallen down the escalator. I can assure you now your daughter thinks about you every day and she loves you. I get so angry at my mum when she tries to stop me from going out when I know she is just trying to keep her baby safe.
She will come to her senses. As I am doing now seeking support. I wish you all the best and I think the counselor you visited should lose her job, absolutely disgusting!
May 17, 2013
My advice by: Shefali
As hard as it is for you to do - I think you need to create boundaries between yourself and your daughter. You want to protect her but she is an adult now and is making her own (bad) choices. Every time you give her good advice she rejects your wisdom.
You have to put distance there - accept that she has made her choices and do not get involved - do not offer advice, help etc. This is probably the hardest thing for a mother to do, but you have to do this both to protect yourself from the hurt of her rejection and to also help her in the long run. As long as you are helping her, you also give her a chance to blame her problems on you. By doing that, she can avoid taking responsibility for her own bad decisions. It is easier to blame Mom than to make changes.
Keep praying for her, and also pray for yourself. Find a good therapist or support group or a best friend or pastor that you can talk to.
I have known a few very good people whose kids have rejected them. It hurts, I know. But you can't make someone else act rationally. If they don't want to see reality - you can't make them. All you can do is pray for them and NOT add any more fuel to the fire - every time you give your daughter advice, that is what you are doing.
One thing you may want to do - I know it sounds harsh, but it might actually be helpful - next time she calls, if normally you let her direct the conversation, if you normally stay on the phone as long as she wants, etc., next time she calls, YOU hang up after a couple of minutes. Say "I'm sorry, honey, but I've got to be somewhere in a few minutes, I'll need to let you go. I love you and look forward to talking again soon." Then hang up. This changes the relationship dynamics. It may help her stop taking you for granted.
I hope these ideas help you. Good luck. I will say a prayer for you and your daughter.
Aug 03, 2012
Did You Read My Story? by: Pam
Hi Laurie,
Did you read my story, on the left navigation bar labelled, "My Story"?
At the end of a few months of counselling, my counselor recommended that we move internationally as we had planned before we married. We'd done months of work on our relationship and needed to give it a chance and see if it could work. I am sure my mom was freaking out. I packed my 22 medium size moving boxes, and with our new baby moved far away. (Looking back, as far as I know the counselor had never been a victim of domestic violence and wasn't thinking about how domestic violence works.)
Everything was good for a while, but as we know domestic violence is a cycle and it came back around. I needed help to get out of the country and back home.
I went straight to my mom's house. Like you and your daughter, we were very close from the time I was very young. Our paths have intertwined over and over again. She is my strong foundation and I am one of hers.
I agree with you regarding the shelter! While your daughter is working at the shelter, she will over-hear stories she can relate to, and advice other than that of her therapist's which will make sense.
It is hard to imagine that the shelter staff would allow a new employee to advise victims without supervision. She will learn a wealth of life changing information. It might be just what she need along with your love.
You are a wise woman and she is very blessed to have you.
Aug 02, 2012
Thanks so much Pam by: Laurie
Thanks so much Pam..It's nice to hear kind words. You are right that we all go into therapy with our own life experience including the therapist. Its really an important message for everyone. You go there for different opinions, ideas, but ultimately you have to decide for yourself what is best. I guess there were hints there was trouble brewing, like when the therapist repeatedly told me I needed to set my daughter up in her own apartment so she could experience being on her own away from us. I reminded her several times that my daughter had been living on her own in an apartment at an urban college for 4 years and never came home even for Christmas or summer vacation after she started going with this boyfriend. That didn't register as being "away from home", or the fact that after 4 years of tuition payments, I couldn't afford to continue paying for an apartment in the city. I have a feeling this lady came from a well to do home and had a wonderful time out on her own in the city for the first time when she was a teen, with her mom and dad paying the bills. That's a lot different than working long hours in minimum wage jobs paying for a room in a bad area and coming home to someone who is drunk and high on MDT, where there is no money left over for all those "fun things" the city offers, and she couldn't go if she did have the money because he would accuse her of cheating and beat her up.
Unfortunately, she did talk my daughter into moving 3,000 miles away and I can't change that. I can only work with what is.
After thinking about it a bit I realize maybe volunteering at a Woman's shelter may be her way of looking for help without actually admitting she needs help. I'm hoping if the counselors there, talk her into joining a support group to "help others" maybe it will be just what she needs to get her to change her phone number, her apartment, and back away from him again. And I do think she's wise enough not to tell anyone on a hotline that they can be friends with an abusive control freak, even if she's attempting to do it herself. I just hope he doesn't show up there because that will be trouble.
Jul 31, 2012
A Mother's Love by: Pam
As mom's, we have a special love for our kids. You and your daughter have had a close relationship in the past. Don't give up on the future!!
As your daughter, she knows you and knew what you would say. She depends on you to be honest, as that is where her solid foundation comes from. When her world falls apart, she still has the security of your love and honesty. In the dark of the night her inner voice most likely tells her the same thing you do, and if it doesn't, she'll hear your voice and process it.
At the same time, we all listen to what we want to hear until it just doesn't ring true any more!
Therapists! Many of them are wonderful and speak life into those they serve. Unfortunately, each one comes with their own backpack of life experiences, beliefs and prejudices. It took me a few frustrated moments to realize that although they have the degree, I still had to evaluate for myself what was right in my situation for me. If you haven't been a victim (unless you really do your research) how can your advice a victim going through domestic violence.
More than anything, our kids need to know they are unconditionally loved, wanted and treasured by us and that we will always be here for them.
Thanks for the update! You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jul 31, 2012
update by: Laurie
Daughter finally called. She says she and the batterer are now "just friends" and they just made it public by making friends on line. She says she wants to volunteer at a battered woman's shelter so she can use her bad experiences to help others. When I questioned the advisability of being "friends" with him and I suggested that a battered woman's shelter would consider her a risk if they knew she was still talking to him, she got very angry and insists I'm toxic and her friends and therapist have all told her she should not talk to me any more. I guess I should have said "that's great honey". Me and my big mouth. Any comments, suggestions?