I dont know if its love but im still here

by brhyleigh
(statesboro)

I met him at my mother’s house. He liked me and hit on me in front of my mother for a good year before I ever gave him the time of day as I was in an abusive relationship at the time. However when I did talk to him finally he was awesome, everything I ever asked for although, the phone calls did come in multiples if I did not answer. (I told myself it’s cause he loves me that much) Then it turned into don’t talk to this person, or that person. If you want to talk to someone call your mom or dad, or just call me. I over looked it and did as I was told. Then came the first time I told him that I did not want to be with him and I did not think it was going to work. I was gonna go out with a friend and the next thing I know, he was at my apartment. That is the first time he smacked the phone out of my hand told my best friend that I could not talk. Then he threw the phone in my face. I tried to get him to leave, but he choked me, had sex with me, put hickies all over me, and said I belonged to him.

After that I did what I was told and everything was great. Then he made me lose my job. I had to move in with family as he lived with his girlfriend. (ya, I know) While living there he thought I cheated on him. He asked how many men I had been with. When I told him, he grabbed that many sticks and wanted to shove them in me to see if I could handle it. He then dragged me threw the carport and down the alley by my hair and punched and slapped me a lot in my face.

After this I went to my room. I thought he was gone, so I opened the window. He was calling my phone. I should have known when the ringing stopped. He then grabbed my hair and almost pulled me through the window by my hair in front of my child.

I tried to leave multiple times and I took it most of the time. It was a way of life. It was how my life was and how I was gonna live for the rest of my life after losing three jobs because of him, my sanity, my will to live, my daughter (she stayed with her grandma most nights to escape.) and an unborn child. He hit me the whole time I was pregnant with my child.

So when I got pregnant with this one, I said no more. He smacked the phone out of my hand. We were living with his sister by this time. He told me to leave because he had another female in our car that we purchased together even though I paid for it most of the time. I did. I went to my dad’s house at 2:30 am. I told my dad mostly everything, but not all. He let me and my daughter stay there. He then called me the next day. I never answered. He then threatened my daughter as well and my now unborn child. I got him arrested. He got out and started again. He even had the nerve to show up at my dad’s house. After a week I gave in. I missed him so much I cried myself to sleep, did not go in to work, and gave in. This time things are different, he has changed so much. He says that it broke his heart to the core and all his friends would tell me not to leave him anymore cause he cries too much and really loves me. I told them to tell him to keep his hands off me and I won’t. He sees the new change in me. Before I was pregnant with this one, I was fighting back. I did not take it anymore. I would pick stuff up to make me equal to him. I truly believe he has changed, but at the same time I don’t know yet. I’m still pregnant and I know that’s what holds him back especially after seeing the sonogram and feeling our son move and seeing his kicks.

He also knows the next time I have to leave it will be for good there will be no returning. I can’t take it the way things were and I refuse for it to be that way again. This time it’s not better because I shut up and let him do what he wants, it’s because I made a stand for myself.

So to all women out there sometimes running is your only option. I’m not saying become a man and fight back as I did, because I have a friend that did and I now visit her grave. GOD BLESS HER SOUL! But sometimes they do change, but only give one chance for them to see what they are losing and then find your courage. I just really want this to be the beginning of my fairytale life, but if not, then I will find it. I will be happy. My children won’t be scared, and above all always ask your children their opinion. You are not the only one involved. They are too and this is their life too. At first my daughter was scared and said no. I said ok, and would not go. Then she just wanted him back. He is not her biological father but he is her dad. Always listen to them. They matter to. Don’t do it because it’s what you want, because we gave up what we want when we had kids. Don’t let that be the one thing you keep over them.