Happy Now in Maryland
by Fearful in
(California)
My abuser and I dated long-distance for a year before we moved in together. During that year we only saw each other about one weekend a month but even then I was the subject of several instances of mental and one case of physical abuse. She would play the victim and make me feel that I was the one in the wrong.
After we started cohabitating her manipulative behavior occurred more frequently and the physical altercations became violent. The first time she punched and kicked me I became catatonic. I could see and hear her but was in such shock I could not communicate. She promised it would never happen again.
As the punching and kicking continued I tried to think of ways to get her out of my life. One of the things she did on several occasions was to leave as if the relationship was over. Every time, though, she would return as if to give me another chance to correct my mistakes. I didn't know what to do short of removing her belongings from my place and changing the locks while she was at work. In hindsight, that is exactly what I should have done.
Five months after moving in together we located to another city within the state. A few days later we got into an argument about money. I apologized profusely throughout the day for my hasty remarks but she would not forgive me. That night she left the house to get a drink and came back several hours later quite inebriated. She demanded that I return $50 that she had given me but I had already spent it to pay for her car insurance. She became irate and chased me throughout the house. She punched and kicked me and said she was going to kill me. I then backslapped her across the face to keep her away from me. She ran to the kitchen, grabbed a paring knife and attempted to cut herself. However, it was too dull and didn't break the skin. She then grabbed a serrated-edge bread knife and I stepped towards her to prevent her
from cutting herself. Instead, she turned the knife on me and gashed my arm then cut her own arm. While I grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding she fled the house and drove away in her car. I called for an ambulance and was treated at the local hospital. She was picked up by the police, taken to the same hospital for treatment and then spent the night in jail. She was released the following day into her parents' custody and remained free until the trial.
During this time she contacted me in an effort to reconcile. She told me that, "no one will ever love you the way I do." and I told her I hoped that was the case. That was the last time we ever communicated.
She pled guilty to misdemeanor assault with a deadly weapon in exchange for me agreeing not to pursue a felony charge. She was sentenced to perform 150 hours of community service and complete a two-year program for borderline personality disorder.
Over the years I have often asked myself why I stayed with my abuser until she attacked me with a knife. I think it was for two reasons: The first is that I had grown up in a home with an alcoholic father and a mother who went through manic-depressive episodes so I was accustomed to a dysfunctional environment. The second reason is that I believed my abuser when she said she would stop. I believed her because I think she believed she would not attack me again. However, her impulses would occasionally overcome any desire she might have had not to hurt me.
An abusive relationship is humiliating (I once told a coworker that I got my black eye from running into a door), frightening (I lived in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing) and dangerous. Don't believe anyone who says they won't abuse you again. If they did it once they WILL do it again unless you remove yourself from the situation. And ANYONE can be an abuser; in my case, she was a foot shorter and 70 pounds lighter than me.