Breaking the Cycle

by Deen
(Washington, DC)

I met my ex about 4 years ago. I was working in a tattoo shop and he was the god-brother of my co-worker. We didn't like each other too much but quickly hit it off, actually we became best friends. He would always come over after work to chill with me and my son, being a complete gentleman. After about 1 year of friendship I allowed him to move in because his previous relationship was done and he had no place else to go. He was here for less than a week and we started a relationship. He wooed me so to speak, because I was lonely. At first I moved him in my son's room, but he quickly weaseled his way into my bedroom.

After we consummated our relationship he became Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He would try and control everything I did, who I talked to, where I went and what I wore. He would get angry with me and throw huge fits like a toddler. It was funny at first and I thought he cared for me so that's why he was so convicting about anything concerning me! It wasn't until he started accusing and name calling that I wanted out, but somehow he convinced me that he needed me and was going to change. I discovered I was pregnant and we were together for only 3 months, he seemed happy but his behavior got worse. I had to show him documentation so he could believe my pregnancy, the morning sickness wasn't enough. He was psycho and would start fights (literal fist fights) in front of my son. I had to get a civil protection order against him because he got drunk at his brother's house and almost pushed me down a flight of concrete stairs.

I didn't allow him to be there for our son's birth and I haven't lived it down since. I took him back and dropped the CPO in Aug '11 all the while still seeing the signs of control and sloth. In March '12 I was hospitalized and put in the psych ward for trying to commit suicide. He argued with me the entire day because I refused to wash his dirty draws. My mom had him arrested and the court placed a protection order against him. Our son fell ill and was hospitalized not long after I was discharged. I allowed him to come back for the sake of the baby, I moved in with him. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out. It was hell being there with him. He would put the blame on everyone but himself when the majority of his short comings were his fault. The day after my 25th birthday this year I received a black eye and scar because I went to my mother's house without his "permission". My children and I endured loads of mental, financial, verbal and physical abuse. My sons have seen me square up with him and have to defend myself and/or them. I allowed so much to happen and I feel like s**t for it, but I do know it's not my fault he was the piece of s**t.

I just left him about a month ago. We had an argument because I didn't bring him something to eat. He got out of the car, I pulled off, went to the house got everything I could fit in the car and didn't look back. I feel good. I got tired of the abuse and the control by using my babies against me. He almost broke my spirit, but I thank GOD I held on to my life for my sons. He was 6 years my senior and had me believing he would guide me with his seniority. Unfortunately, I fell for his games and fell in love with him despite what he lacked. I'll admit that I sometimes get lonely and feel like I want to go back, but I can't. My sons deserve better and I would rather them not have a dad then to have a dead beat like him. While with him I began to lose myself and become just like him. I know I'm a fire cracker, but his immaturity overruled my feistiness.