Born, Bred and Raised Domestic Violence Fighter

by Tom
(Ft Lauderdale, FL)

For what it's worth, I appreciate this opportunity to lend some of my experience with DV. For those of you who have survived, I applaud you and for those who are still fighting, don't stop fighting.

For me, fighting DV was destined for me before I was born. The same year of my birth, my namesake was murdered during a DV encounter. Thomas Carroll of Wolcott CT decided to intervene when he learned that a female friend of his was having a fight with her husband. When Tom tried to talk to the male half to calm things down, he was shot and killed. The same year, I was born and my parents named me after him.

Without knowing this story, I always felt compelled to inject myself into similar situations rather than standby and mind my own business. When I was 7 years old, I witnessed a man in a truck hit a woman, push her out of the truck then speed away. I ran into my house, grabbed a steak knife and gave it to the victim for protection in case he came back (Probably a bad decision, I was only 7). I felt proud as she put the knife in her purse and walked down the street.

When I was a teen, I dated a girl with an abusive father. After a year or so trying to be cordial and respectful to her parents, I ended up hitting her father with my car as he attempted to prevent me from escaping with his entire family during one of his fits of abusive rage. (It felt good).

A few year later, I became a police officer. As a police officer, I made one of my missions saving as many people from DV as I can. It was too lofty of a goal as I soon learned. My mission turned out to be rather thorny as most of these cases were not as cut and dry as they seemed.

Being generous, I would say that about a third of my DV calls were one party lying about the other just to make them go to jail. As many Floridians learned, if one party accuses the other of abuse, then the victim does not have to press charges because the state automatically does that for them. In that event, an untrained police officer becomes a spousal removal service. Experience taught me to take extra steps to ensure I do not wrongfully arrest someone.

Some of my cases were brothers and/or sisters fighting each other (I should still be in prison with all the fighting I did with my brother). About once a week you might get a case where a couple who normally don't fight beat each other up for one reason or another and you cannot determine the primary aggressor. I feel horrible arresting people in the above mentioned situations but the state says it has to be done.

With all of the confusion and disingenuous calls, a police officer's ability to empathize slowly dissolves and is replaced with apathy. When a real situation comes along, a real victim has a good chance of getting this apathetic officer who is unable to reset his "empathy clock" between calls. This is where I would like to lend some advice.

When your situation turns to that point where he/she really scares you and you are trying to make a split decision whether or not to call for help, it is a big step. As easy as it is to physically dial 9-1-1, mentally and emotionally this task is rarely done unless the victim is in a state of true fear for their life.

Once 9-1-1 is dialed I have noticed 1 of 3 things can happen. The suspect stays and continues the abuse, unfettered. The suspect stays and attempts to plead with the victim to lie to the responding officers and/or threaten the victim with further violence, harassment or financial issues. And lastly, they flee before we get there.

Of these serious calls, the majority of the victims become inconsistent at some point between the initial call and the trial, causing the suspect to go free to continue creating havoc in the victim's life or a new victim's life. Imagine the treatment that victim receives from the same officer when they have to call 9-1-1 again. This officer then becomes very cynical.

I can probably count on one hand the number of victims that made the decision against all odds to eject their abusive spouses out of their lives for good and I proudly got a chance to be there to help them with that process. Though not an easy decision for them, they did it and the fact that I never had to go to their homes again to see them broken or their kids crying gave me a great sense of pride.

If you are one of those indecisive victims that may have had the police at your home one too many times and they are beginning to grow cynical, it is time to make that decision. If the officers give you a hard time when you do decide to send that abusive spouse to jail, there are other steps you can take to get the job done. Ask for a supervisor, the supervisor's supervisor or anyone else above them until you get what you need. Call or visit a victims services advocate or woman's shelter. Get a restraining order and actually abide by it and have it enforced every time it is violated.

I have noticed that indecisive victims make excuses for their abusers and think that they can be fixed. They can't be fixed, especially by you. Their charming personality is the facade or hook that drags you into the underlying world of turbulence inside your abuser's life. As long as you are there, your abuser has no reason to change or fix their behavior and will continue to abuse you to satisfy some never ending thirst for creating pain. I will say it again, you cannot fix the abuser.

I hope this helps someone. If you have any comments or questions, I can be emailed at: tomcat.instructor@comcast.net